Bonkura Movie Night
by X to the Zoltan
Summary: More a string of vignettes than anything else. Osaka, Kagura and Tomo go out to see the film Versus and come back with a few stories to tell.


Kagura flopped gratefully into the mat, staring up into a featureless, slate-gray sky. Her breath came heavily but not raggedly and her limbs burned from exertion. The track-and-field team was pretty much finished for the day; only a few of the slower runners were still working their way around the track on their last cool-down lap.

It was a wonderful, luxurious feeling to lie there, having just completed a day's travails. She doubted she could have run another ten meters, but that was okay. She'd done enough for today and had earned a nice, long rest. No bed could have been as comfortable as that great, puffy pole vault mat.

The only thing that compared to that feeling in her book was the anticipation preceding a good run, being full of energy and psyched up to use it. Actually running was nice too, since it was easy to outdistance all of your troubles and lose yourself in the Zen-like experience of putting miles behind you.

In fact, Kagura reflected, the whole Track and Field experience pretty much kicked ass. _If I keep improving like this,_ she thought happily, _I'll be ready for Nationals in no time!_

Nationals. Thinking about _that_ was a huge mistake. A bitter, anxious feeling filled her and adrenaline rushed into her limbs. She suddenly wanted to sprint forty laps even though, as said before, ten meters would do her in. Kagura sat up, unable to enjoy her rest anymore.

Looking around the field and the other runners finishing up restored her calm somewhat. She caught Kurosawa-sensei's eye and, as though psychic, the teacher smiled and gave her a thumbs-up. _I believe in you!_

Kagura smiled back. That thumbs-up was all it took to make her worries seem silly; Kurosawa-sensei had that effect. As she watched the teacher and a gaggle of runners leaving, someone thumped heavily into the mat behind her, gasping painfully for breath. Ah, that would be the Track and Field team's newest recruit.

"Osaka-chan! Hey, did you make it without stopping this time?"  
"Yeah…" Osaka replied slowly, face pressed into the mat. (1)

"Way to go!" Kagura said, slapping her back hard enough to send ripples through the mat. "You're really improving." The shorter girl's only response was a low moan. Kagura lay back and resumed staring into the featureless sky. "Say, do you have any plans tonight?"

"I don't know…" Osaka said between gasps. She rolled over and stared into the sky beside her. "I was thinking of goin' home, curlin' up on my bed and dyin'."

"'Cause I had the idea to go see a movie with you and Tomo-chan."  
"Like what?"  
"_Versus_ just came out."  
"What's it about?"  
"Zombies, samurai, reincarnation. You know, the usual."  
"Sounds perfect." Osaka pointed into the sky and giggled. "Look! That one looks like a rabbit."

Kagura looked, but all she could see was a uniform sheet of gray. Only Osaka could go cloud-spotting on a day like this. She rose and helped her friend up. "We'd better go change."

X

Tomo was all about the get-together. It was quickly arranged and soon she and Osaka stood in front of the Takino residence, waiting for their ride. "I can't believe Kagura got her Driver's License! Is that crazy or what?"

"Clear the sidewalks," Osaka agreed amiably.  
"She beat me again, dammit!" Tomo clenched her fist. "I'm going to get my own Driver's License! Just wait!"

Osaka shuddered at the thought. Yukari was bad enough; what would Tomo be like in command of a half-ton slab of steel? Sure, they might deny her the license, but think of all the lives that would be endangered on her road test! "G-good luck on that," she stammered.

"You sound scared already. Are you looking forward to the movie?"  
Osaka seized the out. "Er, yeah. Yeah, I am."  
"It's been a while since I've seen a good zombie movie," Tomo said, "I hope I can get a good scream or two in."

"Scary movies are really fun," Osaka replied. "But I don't think this'll be too scary, though. Zombie movies never really frightened me."

"Why not?"  
"I was an extra in one back in Osaka."  
"Seriously? You musta been, what, 10?"  
"They had a scene with zombie children. It was great. They taught us the walk and everything."  
"You mean like where you put your arms out and drag one leg?" Tomo did a fair imitation. "Like this?"

"No, better. First, you go all limp, so it's just your skeleton holding you up. Relax your face…" Osaka demonstrated, slumping forward slightly so her hair fell over her eyes. "And you move," she said more quietly, "Like liquid. Always towards living things." She took one eerie step forward. "And then…" she whispered, almost inaudibly.

"Hey, that's pretty good!" Tomo commended as her friend shambled towards her. "You'll have to teach me that some… hey. Okay, yeah, I saw. You don't have to…" Tomo backpedaled a little. "Osaka, that's creepy. No—hey, you're freakin' me out here." She gave Osaka a push, which only made her twist unnaturally and keep advancing. "I—Osaka! Seriously! Gerrof! Os- Osak--!"

And then, moving with astonishing speed and (apparent) violence, she grabbed Tomo's wrist and the side of her head, then lunged for her neck, making a terrible, feral sound in her throat! Tomo instantly dropped. "AAUUAAAUAARRRGHH!"

There was silence.

Osaka offered her hand to help her up. "Pretty good, huh?" she said in her usual gentle voice. "If I'd stayed in Osaka, I might've had a career."

As Kagura pulled up, Tomo still looked a little shaky and traumatized while Osaka still glimmered with diabolical amusement. "What's up?" she asked. "And what's wrong with you two?"

"Oh, we were just talking about how you got your license," Osaka explained.

"Is that so." Kagura replied flatly.

X

"So you almost got into showbusiness, huh, Osaka?" Tomo asked on the way there. "Why didn't you stick with it?"  
"Too much pressure," Osaka replied, "And I didn't want to be typecast as a walkin'corpse."  
"I don't see why not. You're practically a zombie already!"  
"Really?" Osaka put two fingers to her wrist. "But I have a pulse…"

"Sometimes these things can fool you," Tomo said sagely. Of course that wasn't what she meant, but she felt no need to correct her friend. "I'd watch out if I were you."

"Oh…" Osaka looked troubled.  
Tomo changed the subject. "You know, I wanna get into showbusiness, too. I'm gonna be a voice actress!"  
Kagura snorted. "But you have a voice like nails on a chalkboard!"  
"I'm gonna be the next Cheiko Higuchi, just you wait!"  
"You? Cheiko Higuchi?" Kagura snickered, "What are you thinking?"  
As they argued, Osaka sat back and examined her hands critically. "Don't look necrotized to me…" she muttered.

X

There was quite a long line in front of the ticket counter, though needless to say, not many of the movie goers were actually there to see _Versus_. It was a pretty boring wait until Osaka suddenly yelled, "STAND BACK!" As everyone edged away from her, she looked back and forth slowly. "I could start decaying at _any moment_."

Kagura slapped her forehead, and, for the remainder of the wait, had an earnest discussion with Osaka about her undead nature. Fortunately, they managed to convince her that she yet drew breath before reaching the counter.

"Three for _Versus_, please," Kagura said. "Thanks."

As they moved away, Osaka looked back. "Thanks for paying for us, Kagura," she said, "You didn't hafta."

"Yeah," Tomo added. She had mostly recovered from the Zombie Osaka attack, though she seemed to be trying to keep Kagura between them. The friends wandered past the "waste your time and money while you wait for the movie" section of the lobby, full of the latest in arcade hardware.

"Well, hey, I invited you guys along," Kagura said, "So I thought… _Time Crisis_."  
"Huh?"  
"_Time Crisis?_" Tomo asked, developing a sudden gleam in her eye.  
"_Time Crisis._"  
"We have time."  
"Let's do it."

"What…?" Osaka put up a hand as her companions rushed away. "But…" Though there was twenty minutes before the movie started, something about this made her nervous. She followed and found them dropping coins into a machine. One of those light-gun games, Osaka noted, which was unfortunate, since she was horrible at them and the others would no doubt try to make her fill in for them while they went to get more coins. And get more coins they would.

"It's on!" Kagura cried.  
"You're goin' down this time!" Tomo gritted.  
"We'll see about that!"

"Um… guys?" Osaka ventured, but it was too late. Her friends had already transported themselves to another land, where they dispensed virtual death to hordes of inept soldiers, cutting a swath of mayhem towards some nebulous objective that might have been spelled out in the cutscenes that they impatiently skipped through. "Are you sure…?"

There was nothing she could do now that the spell of _Time Crisis 3 _had been cast, though. It even started to affect her as she watched the endless ballet of masked soldiers popping out from cover and crumpling to the ground under a blue or red starburst, Tomo and Kagura's scores rising in lockstep as the bodycount grew. It was an awe-inspiring sight; the two most competitive girls she knew locked in mortal combat over an arena that they had both mastered.

"Hmm…" Osaka's eyes moved back and forth between the screens. "I wonder who hired all those guys?"  
"Don't care," Kagura said, grimly intent as the light-gun bucked again and again in her hand with simulated recoil. (2)

"And how do your people run and jump with all of those weapons?"

"Doesn't matter," Tomo answered, turning her gun sideways and dispatching enemy after enemy with expert double-taps. "Feelin' the pressure, Kagura?"

"You wish, Takino."

"That guy you're shooting at looks like Gackt," Osaka observed.  
_That _broke Kagura's _wa_ badly enough that she took a grenade to the face. "Argh! What?"  
"But with gold armor and claws," their spectator qualified. "Why's the word BOSS floating over his head?"

"Because… he's… the boss?" Kagura responded slowly, avenging herself several times over before she was done talking.

"You're slipping, Kagura…" Tomo taunted.  
"By the way," Osaka started.  
"Osaka?" Tomo said.  
"Yeah?"  
"Not now," Kagura finished. She winced as a ninja slashed her screen. "Oh, crap! Osaka, take the gun. I have to get more coins."

"But…" and the instrument of virtual doom was thrust into her hands. "Shoot! Oh no!" Whereas her two friends fought with deadly grace and panache, rather like an electronic Mirielle and Kirika, Osaka's style was more from the "spray and pray" school. She even accidentally cycled through the weapons trying to reload, resulting in an awesome moment where, completely by chance, she pasted a leaping ninja out of the air with the rocket launcher.

"I'm pulling ahead, Kagura!" Tomo called happily. Her opponent responded by slapping the change machine angrily. It was taking its sweet time while her pinch-hitter desperately flailed away.

"Tomo…" Osaka said, glancing at the clock.  
"Can't you see I'm busy!?"  
"But— oh! Kagura, I died."  
"Ha! I'm whalin' on you, now, Kagura!"  
"But guys—" Osaka faltered as Kagura pushed her aside and dropped a coin in the machine. "The movie's starting!"  
"What?"  
"Huh?  
"Why didn't you _tell _us?"  
"I tr--!"  
"Let's go," Kagura said, plucking the light-gun from Tomo's hands. "We'll call it a draw."

"But I… I was… winning," Tomo gesticulated desperately back at the machine as they dragged her away. Mercifully, she didn't see her avatar keel over as the timer ran out. "That's not fair!"

"Don't worry, you won't regret this," Kagura assured her.

X

Unfortunately, about an hour and a half later Tomo was indeed regretting it. While the gunfights and Kung Fu held her attention pretty well, the long stretches of senseless dialog and ridiculous dramatic pauses found her drumming her fingers and jiggling her leg.

_I thought it'd be way better than this_. Tomo glanced over to her companions; Kagura was obviously taking the film way too seriously, sitting hunched forward, brow furrowed, chin resting on a fist. Osaka's eyes were wide, her lips slightly parted. She looked as though she was having a religious experience. (3)

_I haven't even gotten to scream yet,_ she grumped. _And now I have to go to the bathroom. _Tomo glanced to her right… but unfortunately, there was a couple several seats away, busily making the most of their theater time. Even Tomo wasn't so tactless as to want to push her way past _that_.

So she glanced to her left. Past her fellow bonkuras, there were two more couples similarly occupied. What were the odds? After a pause to consider, Tomo sighed and crossed her legs. Something interesting had _better_ happen, or else!

Hmm… the villain was confronting one of his minions who had just failed to kill the hero. He'd probably give a twelve minute long speech and there'd be this irritating two minute pause as the minion realized his fate… but to her surprise, the villain didn't say anything, merely pushed the minion's sunglasses up on his nose…

And plunged a hand through his head! _CRUNCH!_

"AAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Tomo sat down, completely oblivious to the fact that nearly everybody in the theater was staring at her. _That's better_, she thought happily, and continued her viewing experience in a much better mood.

X

"What did you guys think?" Kagura asked as they wandered back through the lobby. Osaka surreptitiously moved to block _Time Crisis III_ from her view. Thank _God _the place didn't have a DDR machine, or they'd never escape.

"It was all right," Tomo said. "The fights were cool, I guess."  
"Yeah…" Kagura agreed, "They did the fighting so well, I wanted the plot to make sense, but for the life of me…"  
"But it made perfect sense," Osaka defended.  
_"What?"  
_"It was, without a doubt, the greatest movie I have ever seen…" she said dreamily. "I can now die happy."

"What? But… but what about the ending? 'Surprise! Oh, look, I was evil along, ha ha ha!' What the hell was that?" Kagura asked, fishing her keychain out to unlock their car.

"What's wrong wi--?"  
"SHOTGUN!" crowed Tomo, leaping past her to the passenger side seat.

"Rats." Osaka moved to the backseat. It started to rain lightly as they got into the car. "But what's wrong with it? He _was_ evil all along. He was a murderer, remember?"

"But didn't he change? I thought…"

"People don't change just because the plot says they have to," Osaka said with surprising vehemence, "It's not that easy. If it was, I… I'd…" she trailed off.

"Yeah?" Kagura finally prodded.

"Never mind." For a moment, her voice lost that drifty, not-quite-there quality that had become her trademark. "Forget it."

Rain was now pummeling the top of their car. "I'm hungry," Tomo said suddenly.  
"Yeah, me too. How about pizza?"

"Sure," Osaka agreed, completely back to normal. Well, her own bizarre brand of normal, but it was still a relief. Whatever shadow had passed over her, it was long gone.

"I'll call Farmer's Pizza. What do you guys want on it," Tomo asked, drawing her cell-phone, "And who's paying?"  
"I'll cover it," Kagura offered. "What should we get on it?"  
"Peanut butter?" Osaka suggested. "What about kippers? Or anchovies?"  
"Umm… I was thinking more like the American Mix, sound good?"

"That with the bacon, corn and mushrooms?" Tomo started dialing. "That works, sure." She waited impatiently as it rang. "C'mon, pick up you stupid piece of sh—_oh!_ Hi! Yeah, I'm ordering…"

So they wound through Tokyo as their pizza was baked and the rain grew steadily worse. Finally, they pulled into the Farmer's Pizza parking lot and Kagura checked her watch. "It should be ready by now… but there's no point in all of us getting drenched. One of us'll go in for it—1, 2, 3, not me!"

"Not me!" Tomo jumped right on the end of her sentence.  
There was an appreciable pause.  
"Not m…" Osaka sighed. "Shoot."  
As they watched her sprint across the pavement, Kagura commented, "I feel kinda bad about this."  
"Don't," Tomo said, "Me and Yomi saw her running around in a typhoon once. She was having a great time."

And sure enough, the Osakan gal soon emerged from Farmer's with a skip in her step, greeting a vicious blast a wind with an exhilarated whoop. She followed a zig-zagging path back towards the car laughing gaily, turning pirouettes and leaping about.

Kagura had never seen her with such energy. After a few seconds, she leaned out of the window and called, "Hey, get in the car before it's ruined!"

Osaka looked down at the pizza box in surprise; she had quite forgotten about it and it was quickly soaking through. "Oh, sorry!" She ran straight towards the car-- and tripped. Time stretched into infinity as Osaka sailed through the air towards the pavement with their dinner.

"Shit!" Tomo and Kagura yelped in unison, seeing the whole horrifying scene in 'bullet time...' but incredibly, Osaka managed to catch herself out of the fall and thumped heavily into the side of their car.

"Oh, thank God…" Tomo sighed. Osaka took one hand off the box as she reached for the door—and the pizza nearly slid out of her grasp again. "Oh GOD!"

"It's good, it's good," Osaka reassured, reaching for the latch again, then slipping suddenly, waving the pizza in an ominous arc. "Oh! Oh no!"

"AHHHHH!" Tomo leapt in her seat, clutching at her heart.  
"Just kiddin'" Osaka giggled. "I got it."  
"Get in the damn car!" Kagura barked.

X

And so, at Kagura's house, they gathered around their hard-won pizza and tucked in with determination. Slice after slice of steamy, greasy goodness vanished from the box into the girls, who didn't even pause to talk in their lightning meal. In fact, it seemed that Tomo and Kagura were now competing to see who could eat more, which was bad news for Osaka.

She was always a slow eater, especially now because she was taking time to spread the peanut butter. As the pieces vanished, she realized that she would soon be shafted out of her third. Something had to be done…

"Hey, have you ever wonder where bacon comes from?" she asked.  
"Pigs, right?" Kagura answered readily. "Is this a trick question?"  
"No, I mean what part of the pig. D'you know?"  
"No…"  
"Their legs?" Tomo tried, "Or do you think it's the flanks?"

"Well, look. It's the greasiest part of the pizza…" Osaka pondered. "What part of a pig do you suppose is really greasy?"

Tomo and Kagura looked at their slices, suddenly not quite so famished. "I… hm…" Kagura's lips twisted slightly. "That's… that's a good question."

"I think I'm done," Tomo said.  
An evil smirk hidden deep in her heart, Osaka took her second piece. (4)

X

"I can give you guys a ride home," Kagurainvited much later.  
"Yeah, thanks!" Osaka answered. "You sure are a good host."  
"And look what I got for the ride…!" Tomo said in sing-song, waggling a packet in the air.  
"Incense?"  
"Yeah, this'll keep you alert. Look, they're made from Rosemary and Lavender."

"Aren't Rosemary and Lavender supposed to make you…?" Osaka started, but they were already on their way out. So they drove down towards Tomo's house and the car filled with pleasant, sweet-smelling smoke from the incense. "Um… is burning them all at once a good idea?" Kagura asked.

"Oh, sure," Tomo said, "It gives you the full effect. And get this…" Tomo plucked one of the sticks from its holder and stuck it in her mouth. "They're cedar, so they have that sharp taste to 'em."

"Um…" Kagura shook her head slightly. "You know, my eyes are gettin' kinda droopy. Are you sure this stuff is supposed to make you alert?"

"Heh!" Tomo poked at her. "Your eyes are all red! I think it's getting to y… what, why are you pulling over?"  
"Police," Kagura answered calmly, throwing the car into park.  
"Oh, shit!" Tomo said loudly as the officer approached. "It's the fuzz!"

"Shut up!" Kagura hissed, then rolled her window down, letting a gust of incense drift into the cool night air. "Hi, there, officer."

"Evening, ma'am," he said, "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

"No," she said innocently. But then she noticed the way he wrinkled his nose as the incense drifted towards him. "Oh! Oh, it's the—" Kagura turned back into the car and plucked the incense stick from Tomo's mouth. "Sorry, jeez. Look it's just…"

Tomo suddenly burst out laughing. "Oh, wow," she cried, "He thinks we're druggies! That's the funniest thing I ever heard!" Fully aware of how this must look, her friend frantically tried to shut her up.

"Look, look, it's not illegal, it's just…" Kagura said, holding the incense stick out to the officer. He didn't take it. She sat there awkwardly for a few seconds as Tomo giggled manically in the background. "I'll need to see some ID," the officer said finally.

Kagura and Tomo quickly went through their pockets and came up with articles of identification. After another long, awkward pause, Kagura looked into the backseat, where Osaka sat, completely spaced out and happily chasing the dust in her eyes. "Hey!" she snapped her fingers in the third bonkura's face, "Osaka! _Osaka_!"

"Huh?" she replied in a tone of voice that made it clear that she had no idea what was going on. Outside, the officer sighed and put his hands on his hips. Kagura smiled nervously.

X

"That… was awkward," Kagura said as Tomo disembarked.  
"At least you didn't get a ticket," Tomo said lightly, "Or hauled off to jail."  
"Or shot," Osaka added helpfully.  
"Wow…" Kagura pinched the bridge of her nose.

"We'll have to do it again sometime," Tomo said.  
"Yeah, but no incense," Kagura qualified.  
"And no _Time Crisis_," Osaka added.  
"And no Zombie attacks."  
"And no stupid movie."  
"And no acrobatics."  
"And no nasty, greasy pig parts…" Tomo trailed off. "Okay, so maybe we shouldn't do this again."

"Sure… yeah. Let's not," Kagura said. "Forget that. But what did you mean, Zombie attacks?"  
"Eeh, never mind," Tomo shrugged and then started towards her house. "See you guys later!"  
They set out again and Kagura asked, "Do you know what she meant?"

Hiding another evil smirk, Osaka said, "No idea." as innocently as she could muster. Some day, some time, Kagura would find out the hard way. Bwa ha ha ha ha!

* * *

A/N 

1 -Absolutely perfect if you can imagine Yuki Matsuoka's voice going, "_Haiiii…_" in that really soft, strung-out sort of way she has.

2 -Aren't those fake little recoils wimpy, though? They should make a Light Gun that bucks in your hand like a frickin' shotgun, yo! That would give you a _real_ feeling of power.

3 -In her defense, after two hours of having your brain fried by two solid hours of blood splattering violence and metaphysical nonsense, the final battle almost does feel like a religious experience… especially if you're watching it at 3 AM like I did.

4 -I mean, seriously, have you ever wondered? In terms of pizza bacon, my theory is that it's whatever old part of the pig happens to fall into the shredder…


End file.
